Joke of the day

sad but true

One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car
pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window. "I'll give
you a
large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car," said the driver.

"No way! Get lost!" replied the boy.

"How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked.
"I said no way," replied the boy.

"What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the driver.

"No, I'm not getting in the car," answered the boy.

"Okay, I'll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars," the driver
offered.

"No!" replied the boy.
"What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver.

The boy replied: "Listen, Dad: You bought the Ford--you live with it!
:baaa:
 
3 preachers discussing how they separate their pay from the church...1st preacher says he draws a circle on the floor and throws the offering in the air and all that lands in the circle is his and what lands outside is Gods...2nd preacher does the same but he keeps what is outside the circle and gives God what is inside...3rd preacher says he throws the offering up and what God catches he can keep but what hits the floor is his....
 
Very good Willie!

Purcy the cat escaped into the yard one day. He spys 2 red breasted birds sun-bathing near the tree. After pouncing and devouring them, he smiles and says, "I just love Baskin' Robins."

Lame, but I like it alot.
 
Mechanic.jpg

"Being a mechanic is hard work, but it pays the bills and feeds the kids!"​
 
Living Wills

Living Will

While I was watching a game last weekend, my wife and I got into a
conversation about life and death and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation, I told her that I never wanted to
exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine , and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer . . .

Man, sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass.
 
Men vs. women

1. NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

6.CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.

10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
 
prchrman said:
3 preachers discussing how they separate their pay from the church...1st preacher says he draws a circle on the floor and throws the offering in the air and all that lands in the circle is his and what lands outside is Gods...2nd preacher does the same but he keeps what is outside the circle and gives God what is inside...3rd preacher says he throws the offering up and what God catches he can keep but what hits the floor is his....
Click to expand...


Johnny Five gets it!! :lol: :lol:
 
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Italian vs Greek

A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a Starbucks one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire .... "

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian thinks for a couple of seconds and replies quietly, "That's true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
 
A man doing market research for the Vaseline company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around
at her feet.

"I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex," she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty.

Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it
for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."
 
Thermodynamics Test

An actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm was:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell it will not leave. Therefore no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now we look at the rate of change of the volume of Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

  1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
  2. Of course if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me of Ms. Therese Banyon during my freshman year that, "It will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account that I still have not succeeded in that area, then (2) cannot be true. And so, Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only 'A'.
 
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show him."
 
2008 Democratic Convention Agenda

Upcoming 2008 Democratic Convention agenda!

6:00 p. m. - Opening flag burning ceremony.

6:05 p. m. - Opening secular prayers by Rev. Jesse Jackson
and Rev. Al Sharpton

6:30 p. m. - Anti-war concert by Barbra Streisand.

6:40 p. m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

7:00 p. m. - Tribute theme to France.

7:10 p. m. - Collect offerings for al-Zawahri defense fund.

7:25 pm. - Tribute theme to Germany.

7:45 p. m. - Anti-war rally (Moderated by Michael Moore)

8:25 p. m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

8:30 p. m. - Terrorist appeasement workshop.

9:00 p. m. - Gay marriage ceremony (both male and female
couples)

9:30. p. m. - * Intermission *

10:00. p. m. - Posting the Iraqi Colors by Sean Penn and Tim
Robbins

10:10 p. m. - Re-enactment of Kerry's fake medal toss.

10:20. p. m. - Cameo by Dean 'Yeeearrrrrrrg!'

10:30 p. m. - Abortion demonstration by N. A. R. A. L.

10:40 p. m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

10:50 p. m. - Pledge of allegiance to the UN.

11:00 p. m. - Multiple gay marriage ceremony (threesomes,
mixed and same sex). Rep. Barney Frank (D, Mass.), Sponsor

11:15 p. m. - Maximizing Welfare workshop.

11:30 p. m. - 'Free Saddam' pep rally.

11:59 p. m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

12:00 p. m. - Nomination of democratic candidate.

Any chance we could get Ted Kennedy to drive Hillary home
from the convention?
 
It would be funnier if you misspelled "Ted Kennedy proposes a toast" starting with the second one and getting worse each time.

And where is NAMBLA? Did they get dropped from the docket already?

Oh I see, they have their own DAY later on.

SergntMac said:
Upcoming 2008 Democratic Convention agenda!

6:00 p. m. - Opening flag burning ceremony.

6:05 p. m. - Opening secular prayers by Rev. Jesse Jackson
and Rev. Al Sharpton

6:30 p. m. - Anti-war concert by Barbra Streisand.

6:40 p. m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

7:00 p. m. - Tribute theme to France.

7:10 p. m. - Collect offerings for al-Zawahri defense fund.

7:25 pm. - Tribute theme to Germany.

7:45 p. m. - Anti-war rally (Moderated by Michael Moore)

8:25 p. m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

8:30 p. m. - Terrorist appeasement workshop.

9:00 p. m. - Gay marriage ceremony (both male and female
couples)

9:30. p. m. - * Intermission *

10:00. p. m. - Posting the Iraqi Colors by Sean Penn and Tim
Robbins

10:10 p. m. - Re-enactment of Kerry's fake medal toss.

10:20. p. m. - Cameo by Dean 'Yeeearrrrrrrg!'

10:30 p. m. - Abortion demonstration by N. A. R. A. L.

10:40 p. m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

10:50 p. m. - Pledge of allegiance to the UN.

11:00 p. m. - Multiple gay marriage ceremony (threesomes,
mixed and same sex). Rep. Barney Frank (D, Mass.), Sponsor

11:15 p. m. - Maximizing Welfare workshop.

11:30 p. m. - 'Free Saddam' pep rally.

11:59 p. m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

12:00 p. m. - Nomination of democratic candidate.

Any chance we could get Ted Kennedy to drive Hillary home
from the convention?
Click to expand...
 
Guys...It's a joke. Just a joke, K?

One of 1,154 contributions...One of 35,226 reads.

Post another joke, and maybe another after that, and soon, it will go away.

Just more history in the ever growing chronology of our beloved MM.net, and more dust under the MM.Net carpet...
 
Tree Hugging

Hopefully I won't get in trouble for posting this one. I thought it was funny and had to share...

While walking through the Colorado woods a man came upon another man
hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he
inquired, "Just out of curiosity what the heck are you doing?" "I'm
listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You gotta
be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious the man says, "Well, OK." He wrapped his arms
around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.

With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his
wallet, jewelry, and car keys, stripped him naked, and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy
handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened
to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in
sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear,
and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, Cupcake."
 
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