Joke of the day

There are these two guys named John and Cliff. They were best friends
and were so obsessed with baseball that they would go to 60 games a year
and analyze every scoreboard. They even promised each other that when
one of them goes to heaven, the deceased one would come back and tell the other whether there was baseball in heaven or not.

One night Cliff dies in his sleep after watching a Chicago White Sox
game -- Chicago won, so at least he died a happy man. The next day Cliff
returns to earth to see his friend.

"Hi, John."

"Cliff, is it really you?"

"Hey, I told you I'd be back to tell you what's up. And, you know John,
there's good news and bad news."

"Okay. What's the good news?"

"There is baseball in heaven."

"The bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."
 
Analogies 101

ANALOGIES YOU PROBABLY WON'T FIND IN GREAT LITERATURE:

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. (Jennifer Frank and Jimmy Pontzer, Washington and Sterling)
 
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
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A: Stick his bill up his butt.
 
Joe was hanging in a bar and his friends asked him if he had scored lately. Joe told his friends man I picked up this chick the other night and had the best sex ever, the only problem was she was a total Butterface!

His friends asked him, "What the heck is a Butterface?"

Joe answered, "Everything about her was hot, BUT HER FACE!"
 
A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window. His wife yells, "That guy just raped me twice!"

He says, "Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he raped you the first time?"


She says, "Because I thought it was you -- until he started the second time."
 
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up
on the sidewalk, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
 
Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the
man didn't notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic
pass around them. The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and
yelling at the man to move. The man doesn't move. The woman is going
ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her
steering wheel and dash. The light turns yellow and the woman begins to
blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams profanity and curses at
the man.

The man, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the
intersection just as the light turns red. The woman is beside herself,
screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the
intersection.

As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up
at very serious looking policeman. The policeman tells her to shut off
her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at
what is happening. After she shuts off the engine, the policeman orders
her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he
orders her to turn and place her hands on her car then handcuffs her and
takes her to the police station where she is fingerprinted,
photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the
door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the
original officer is waiting with her personal effects and says, "I'm
really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car
while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you,
and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the "Choose Life" license
plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me
to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish
emblem on the trunk. Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."
 
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE WHO...

Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter.

Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
 
One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go
out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his
wonderful new son.

Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did
everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying.

Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the
doctor.

After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the
baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest
and then down to the diaper area.

When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.

"Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs a change."

The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good
for up to 10 lbs!"
 
Three men, one German, one Japanese and a hillbilly were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.

"That was my pager, "he said, "I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The hillbilly felt decidedly low-tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The hillbilly finally said..."Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax.
 
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a
hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all
the prostitutes lined up along the driveway when
suddenly, Lulu's grandma came around the corner.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother
that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just
lining up for some.

"Wow, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself", and
she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the
prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he asked, "Wow, still going at it at
your age? How do you do it?"

Grandma replied," Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the
skin back and suck them dry."

The policeman fainted.
 
funeral

A woman was leaving a 7-11 market with her morning coffee when she noticed most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse, about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit-bull dog on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file.



The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and know that now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"



The woman replied, "Well that first hearse is for my husband."



"What happened to him?"



The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."



She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"



“His mistress. She tried to help my husband, then the dog turned on her."



A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.



"Can I borrow the dog?" The other woman replied:



"Get in line."
 
WITH GREAT WISDOM COMES COMPLETE IGNORANCE

In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high
esteem.

One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Socrates,
do you know what I just heard about your best friend?"

"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd
like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my
best friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're
going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually just heard about it and..."

"All right," said Socrates.

"So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second
filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about
my best friend something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about my best friend, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though,
because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you
want to tell me about my best friend going to be useful to me?"

"No.........ahh......... not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true
nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high
esteem. It also explains why he never found out his best friend was
banging his wife...
 
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to
the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green
red, orange, blue and yellow.

The old man just stared.

The young man said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done
anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex
with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
 
Air marshals

Hello passengers, this is your captain speaking. I'd like to be the first to welcome you aboard for our non-stop flight from France to New York's LaGuardia Airport.

Our flight attendants will be out shortly to provide pre-boarding instructions. Just wanted to remind you to fasten your seatbelt and turn off all electronic devices, including laptops and cell phones.

Until then, relax, and thank you for flying with us.


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Hello passengers, this is your captain.

Wanted to discuss the concerns you likely have about the recent terrorist threats regarding their attempts to hijack another airplane. Just wanted to say that there's no need to worry about this flight: we have an armed air marshal aboard.

I'd like to take this time to welcome him, and thank him in advance for his time and service.
Hello passengers, we have just climbed to our cruising altitude of 36,000 feet. I expect we'll be landing in New York in about nine hours.

At this time, I'm turning off the fasten seatbelt sign, so please feel free to walk about the cabin and use the restroom as necessary.

We hope you have a pleasant flight.


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Well, passengers, looks like I spoke too soon about that seatbelt sign. The air marshal has requested that for our safety I keep it on. If you do need to get up to walk about the cabin or use the restroom, just let him know.

We're just now heading over the Atlantic Ocean, so we'll be starting the on-flight movies for you. This week we have S.W.A.T., starring Colin Farrell, and Uptown Girls, starring Brittany Murphy.
Just as soon as whoever took the air marshal's copy of Golf Illustrated returns it to him, he'll give us permission to start those movies.


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I just spoke with our onboard air marshal, who tells me that during a sweep of the cabin he was unable to find any terrorists.

For risking his life for us in this manner, he's requesting that we spontaneously begin singing "for he's a jolly good fellow." So, I guess without further delay, a one, and a two...


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Passengers, this is your captain. The air marshal wants to know why you would insult him. Otherwise, he asks, why would you think a dollar could get you into the bathroom? The rate is currently $20 a person, and the marshal wants to remind you that there is no discount for children.

Additionally, he reminds you, real men don't pee their pants.


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Passengers, the air marshal tells me he once shot a terrorist in the foot.

For anyone interested, he's willing to tell the story of how it happened for $10 for the first five minutes, and only a dollar for each additional minute after that.

Regardless, he's asking that we take a moment to salute this accomplishment by singing to him. So, without further delay, a one, and a two....


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Sorry to bother you again, passengers, but the air marshal has reminded us that this flight is technically governed by his laws, as we are flying over the ocean and not under the jurisdiction of any country

I'm pretty sure he's wrong, but seeing that he does have a gun, I am not at liberty to argue, so we are asked to follow these orders:


* Drinking alcoholic beverages is prohibited

* Except by the air marshal.

* Just don't watch the air marshal drink.

* Don't watch him give alcohol to his gun.

* Act normal in his presence.

* Don't make direct eye contact with him.

* Don't make direct eye contact with his gun.

* Please don't make any sudden movements, or shift in your seat.

* But please don't sit too calmly.

* But don't stand up, either.

* But don't crouch.

* Ask him anything you want, except why he wasn't accepted into the Marines.

* Any female on board that reminds him of his mother will receive a special discount on use of the bathroom.

* All items stowed in the seat in front of you now belong to him.

* The Marines suck ass.

* And finally, every five minutes we are to sing "for he's a jolly good fellow." A one, and a two...
Thank you, passengers. Fortunately, we're almost to New York.


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Passengers, the air marshal would like to personally thank each and every one of you for letting him wave his gun around indiscriminately at you as he told the story of his last divorce.
For those that offered Kleenex, he truly appreciates that.

To the gentleman that hugged him, he does apologize for shooting you in the kneecap.


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Well passengers, looks we'll be making our descent into New York's LaGuardia Airport in just a few minutes. Just like to thank you for flying with us today.

It was an interesting flight, to say the least. But the air marshal wishes to remind you all that we made it here alive, and that's all that matters.

And for that, he, oh god no, he wants us to sing to him.

One last time, a one, and a two...
 
MIRROR MIRROR

In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror.

But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth -- if you lie, you
disappear.

One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and
decide to try out the mirror.

The brunette goes first.

"I think I'm the smartest woman on earth."

"POOF!" She disappears.

The redhead goes up to try.

"I think I'm the prettiest woman on earth."

"POOF!" She disappears.

The blonde goes up.

"I think......"

"POOF!" She disappears!
 
During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between
the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing
little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to
rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first
play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino
was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5
yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who
stopped the elephant?" "I did" said the centipede. "Who stopped the
rhino?" "Uh, that was me too" said the centipede. "And how about the
hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?" "Well, that was me as well,"
said the centipede.

"SO WHERE WERE YOU THE FIRST HALF?" demanded the coach.

"Well" said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."
 
Well , it's been almost a year (believe March ) when this started - and I love all these jokes ,.. so my turn...

In the high school wood working shop class , the instructor started out the the class by saying he was going to cover the use of the nail , screw and the bolt.

The instructor thought it best to ask the class if they knew the difference between these items..so Judy, the classes only female student, was first to raise her hand and she said she knew two of them real well but she said she
wasn't sure about the third..and when asked by the instructor,, she said,, well , those others , yeah , but I've never been bolted , so I dont know what that one is!
 
A guy dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter issues him a white robe, a harp, and his very own cloud to float around on. The guy thinks this is great.

One day he sees another cloud float by. The guy on that cloud has a gorgeous, naked woman and a keg of beer with him.

The first guy finds St. Peter and complains to him. "How come this guy gets a gorgeous babe and keg of beer, when all I got is this white robe and a lousy harp?

St. Peter says, "I know just who you're talking about. He's being punished."

The guy can't believe what he's hearing. "How can that be?" , he asks.

"Well," says St. Peter, "The keg has a hole in it, and the girl doesn't."
 
A guy goes into the pharmacy and ask the pharmacist, wheres' that butt deordant? Pharmacist replies--don't sell that--man says- yes you do-- I bought some last month! Pharmacist replies, you must have made a mistake--Customer continues and finally pharmacist says--do you have the container you bought last time--man says--yes--I'll go get it, you'll see.. a few moments and the customer returns and says to the pharmiast --see here-- this is it--pharmacist replies--sorry pal- this is under arm deordant--customer replies--yeah--thats right --thats what I want--pharmacist replies--but that is not butt deordant--customer replies --yes it is--see- read the directions--it clearly says to push up bottom to use!!
 
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