jgc61sr2002
Contributing Member
Quite amusing. They should have quit after the first crack in the bumper. :stupid:
Joke of the day
- Thread starter SergntMac
- Start date
jefferson-mo
Your next stop...........
Dr Caleb said:
a ha ha ha ha :lol:
ha ha ha a ha ha:lol:
oh stop! you're killin' me! :lol:
jefferson-mo
Your next stop...........
Back to the joke of the day.....................................
I got my wife a mood ring for her birthday and the thing REALLY works!
When she's in a good mood it's a really beautiful blue color!
When she's in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark in my forehead!:lol:
I got my wife a mood ring for her birthday and the thing REALLY works!
When she's in a good mood it's a really beautiful blue color!
When she's in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark in my forehead!:lol:
Three married couples decided they wanted to belong to a new church that had just started in their town. The 6 of them met with the minister to get more information. The minister stated that before they could become members of the church, they had to abstain from sex for 30 days.
30 days later, they met with the minister again. He asked each couple one at a time if they were able to abstain from sex.
The first couple said, "we've been married for many years, we had no problem going without sex for 30 days."
The minister said "congratulations, we can allow you to join the church."
He asked the second couple the same thing. The man said...."it was rough, we almost gave in after the third week, but we managed to abstain from sex for the 30 days." Again, the minister said...."congratulations, we can allow you to join the church."
When it came time to talk to the 3rd couple, the man was very nervous. The minister asked the couple, "did you abstain from sex for 30 days?"
The man said........"well, I have to tell you, it was rough. We made it a couple weeks without too much of a problem, but after about the 25th day.......I saw my wife bend over to pick up a pair of socks.......and I couldn't help myself......I took her right there on the spot." :rasta:
The minister said......." oooooh my.....I'm sorry to hear that.....I'm afraid we can't allow you to be in the church."
The man said...."oooooh, that's ok.......we're not allowed in Wal-Mart anymore either."
30 days later, they met with the minister again. He asked each couple one at a time if they were able to abstain from sex.
The first couple said, "we've been married for many years, we had no problem going without sex for 30 days."
The minister said "congratulations, we can allow you to join the church."
He asked the second couple the same thing. The man said...."it was rough, we almost gave in after the third week, but we managed to abstain from sex for the 30 days." Again, the minister said...."congratulations, we can allow you to join the church."
When it came time to talk to the 3rd couple, the man was very nervous. The minister asked the couple, "did you abstain from sex for 30 days?"
The man said........"well, I have to tell you, it was rough. We made it a couple weeks without too much of a problem, but after about the 25th day.......I saw my wife bend over to pick up a pair of socks.......and I couldn't help myself......I took her right there on the spot." :rasta:
The minister said......." oooooh my.....I'm sorry to hear that.....I'm afraid we can't allow you to be in the church."
The man said...."oooooh, that's ok.......we're not allowed in Wal-Mart anymore either."
martyo
MO derator
What Bush would look like if he was a girl:
Click here: [url]http://www.funsnap.com/1/bushgirl.swf[/url]
Click here: [url]http://www.funsnap.com/1/bushgirl.swf[/url]
jgc61sr2002
Contributing Member
Marty - Very entertaining. :baaa:
Donny Carlson
New member
I've woke up next to worse.martyo said:
New Medicine for 2004
1. D A M N I T O L
> >Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to he** for up to 8 full hours.
> >
> >2. ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
> >Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
> >unconscious for up to two days. (This would work for Dad's too :banana2: )
> >
> >3. E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
> >Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of
> >how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they
>moved
> >out.
> >
> >4. P E P T O B I M B O
> >Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an
> >evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents
> >conception.
> >
> >5. D U M B E R O L
> >When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in
> >enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
> >
> >6. F L I P I T O R
> >Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the
> >urge to flip off other drivers.
> >
> >7. M E N I C I L L I N
> >Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal
> >lines as, "You make me want to be a better person Can we get naked
now?"
> >
> >8. B U Y A G R A
> >Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency,
> >duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
> >
> >9. J A C K A S S P I R I N
> >Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
> >anniversary or phone number.
> >
> >10. A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
> >A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
> >share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
> >
> >11. N A G A M E T
> >When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as
> >nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself
1. D A M N I T O L
> >Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to he** for up to 8 full hours.
> >
> >2. ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
> >Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
> >unconscious for up to two days. (This would work for Dad's too :banana2: )
> >
> >3. E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
> >Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of
> >how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they
>moved
> >out.
> >
> >4. P E P T O B I M B O
> >Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an
> >evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents
> >conception.
> >
> >5. D U M B E R O L
> >When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in
> >enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
> >
> >6. F L I P I T O R
> >Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the
> >urge to flip off other drivers.
> >
> >7. M E N I C I L L I N
> >Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal
> >lines as, "You make me want to be a better person Can we get naked
now?"
> >
> >8. B U Y A G R A
> >Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency,
> >duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
> >
> >9. J A C K A S S P I R I N
> >Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
> >anniversary or phone number.
> >
> >10. A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
> >A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
> >share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
> >
> >11. N A G A M E T
> >When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as
> >nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself
R Dean
Member
These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line.
1. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
2. Thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
3. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty
and so is your head. ( MartyO ?)
4. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not
6. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
7. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
8. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming
9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way
10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"
11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
1. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
2. Thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
3. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty
and so is your head. ( MartyO ?)
4. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not
6. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
7. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
8. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming
9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way
10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"
11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
MARAUDERCHICK
Georgia Peach
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb??
2......but how do you get them in there?
2......but how do you get them in there?
jefferson-mo
Your next stop...........
dwasson said:
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Stop! you're killin' me!!!
:lol: :lol: :lol:
MARAUDERCHICK
Georgia Peach
TEXAS MATING SPIDERS
A father was watching his daughter playing in the garden,
thinking of how sweet and innocent his little girl was.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two
spiders mating.
Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"He is called a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl
asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy
Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment...then quickly
stomped them flat!
"Well, it might work in other states",
she said "but we don't put up with that crap here in Texas!"
:lol: :lol:
A father was watching his daughter playing in the garden,
thinking of how sweet and innocent his little girl was.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two
spiders mating.
Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"He is called a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl
asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy
Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment...then quickly
stomped them flat!
"Well, it might work in other states",
she said "but we don't put up with that crap here in Texas!"
:lol: :lol:
Last edited:
PhastPhil
Senior Member
This married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. they were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop. " So the married couple
walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some very special sandals I think you Would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex. "
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into this sex superman?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man". Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the
husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! ! !
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop. " So the married couple
walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some very special sandals I think you Would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex. "
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into this sex superman?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man". Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the
husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! ! !
Dr Caleb
Vendi Vidi Velcro
A reprimand??
A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight.
So a message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump **** from your aircraft."
"Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"
A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight.
So a message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump **** from your aircraft."
"Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"
