J
jrzygrl
Guest
I know this comes as no big surprise..but I like this one!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!David Morton said:
Joke of the day
- Thread starter SergntMac
- Start date
T
TripleTransAm
Guest
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event.
It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer comes to him and says, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold. If he does, you're finished!"
The wrestler nods in agreement.
Now, to the match . . . the American and the Russian circle each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunges forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment goes up from the crowd, and the trainer buries his face in his hands for he knows all is lost. He can't watch the ending.
Suddenly, there's a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raises his eyes just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hits the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapses on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer is astounded. When he finally gets the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answers, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of nuts right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts!"
It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer comes to him and says, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold. If he does, you're finished!"
The wrestler nods in agreement.
Now, to the match . . . the American and the Russian circle each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunges forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment goes up from the crowd, and the trainer buries his face in his hands for he knows all is lost. He can't watch the ending.
Suddenly, there's a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raises his eyes just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hits the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapses on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer is astounded. When he finally gets the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answers, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of nuts right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts!"
David Morton
Closed
Penelope and Millicent, the Thompson spinsters, had been saving their nickels and dimes for fifty years in that tiny apartment so they could achieve their life's dream of starting a chicken ranch in the country. And when the great day finally came they bought a nice piece of land, had a contractor building a house and chicken koops and went into the small farm town to see the man at the stockyards to put in their poultry order.
Millicent said, "We want to buy fifty hens and fifty roosters.", and the man laughed. He said, "Ladies, everybody wants to see you two succeed with the ranch so I wouldn't be very popular with the farmers around here if I was to go taking advantage by selling you all those roosters. For fifty hens, one rooster is all you're going to need." Sneering, Penelope elbowed her sister and said, "Isn't that just like a MAN!"
Millicent said, "We want to buy fifty hens and fifty roosters.", and the man laughed. He said, "Ladies, everybody wants to see you two succeed with the ranch so I wouldn't be very popular with the farmers around here if I was to go taking advantage by selling you all those roosters. For fifty hens, one rooster is all you're going to need." Sneering, Penelope elbowed her sister and said, "Isn't that just like a MAN!"
David Morton
Closed
When Harold decided he was tired of the rat-race and dragged Hortense out to 'Green Acres', the first thing he wanted to do was get a sow and start raising pigs. So he asked the neighboring farmer what to do and he said he'd sell him a sow, but that he'd have to go breed her. He suggested that a farmer about a mile down the road had a boar and only charged $10, but that another one had a better boar with a much greater chance of getting piglets, but he was two miles away and charged $20. But if he wanted the best chance of success, he should go to the man with the county fair blue ribbon boar that was on the other side of town, ten miles away. He charged $50. Well Harold got one smell of that sow he wasn't about to load her up in his Buick, so he put her in a wheelbarrel and took off down the road. Being very tired after one mile he decided to try the first farmer and dropped her off for the day, came back at the end of the day per agreement, paid the fee and went home. Next morning he went out to see and, DAMN! NO PIGLETS! So he loaded up the sow again and went to the guy two miles away, same type deal, leave her for the day. Next morning, very sore he went out to see and, NOT AGAIN! STILL NO PIGLETS? CRAP! So, very determined he loaded up the sow in the wheelbarrel once again and went to the man with the prize boar. That night he was so tired he just fell into bed. Next morning, he was so sore he couldn't get out of bed so he said to Hortense, "Honey, I'm beat. Will you go out there and see if we have any piglets yet?" She said yes and went out to the barn, came back and said, "No piglets yet, but the sow has climbed into the wheelbarrel for you and is ready to go."
New Regulations in the New Jersey
Registry of Motor Vehicles 2004 Handbook:
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident New Jersey Driver avoids using them.
2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.
4. WARNING! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in your being rear-ended.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with PA, NY or Del plates. With no insurance, the other operator probably has nothing to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.
7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.
8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in New Jersey during rush hour.
9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a New York driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.
11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. New Jersey is the home of high-speed slalom-driving thanks to the Department of Public Works, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert.
12. It is tradition in New Jersey to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green.
13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is important to exit your vehicle thru the windshield right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.
14. Remember that the goal of every New Jersey driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.
15. In New Jersey, 'flipping the bird' is considered a polite salute. This gesture should always be returned.
Thank You,
Governor Jim McGreevey
Registry of Motor Vehicles 2004 Handbook:
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident New Jersey Driver avoids using them.
2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.
4. WARNING! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in your being rear-ended.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with PA, NY or Del plates. With no insurance, the other operator probably has nothing to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.
7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.
8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in New Jersey during rush hour.
9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a New York driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.
11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. New Jersey is the home of high-speed slalom-driving thanks to the Department of Public Works, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert.
12. It is tradition in New Jersey to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green.
13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is important to exit your vehicle thru the windshield right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.
14. Remember that the goal of every New Jersey driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.
15. In New Jersey, 'flipping the bird' is considered a polite salute. This gesture should always be returned.
Thank You,
Governor Jim McGreevey
MERCMAN
Site co-owner and moderator
Andy Rooney
Andy Rooney Has Guts
Andy Rooney said on 60 minutes a few weeks back: (for those of you that don't know Andy Rooney, he is an 82 year old US TV commentator.) I like big cars, big boats, big motorcycles, big houses and big campfires.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some government stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting out babies. I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts!
ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?
I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion. I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens. Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.
I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off. When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.
I know what sex is, and there are not varying degrees of it. If I received sex from one of my subordinates in my office, it wouldn't be a private matter or my personal business. I would be "FIRED" immediately!
I believe that if you are selling me a milk shake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!
My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours. I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry self if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.
I feel much safer letting a machine with no political affiliation recount votes when needed. I know what the definition of lying is. I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop,trinket store, or any other business.
We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and Television. That doesn't stop you from watching them. I believe a self-righteous liberal or conservative with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude.
I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that invented the Internet to help you.
It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French Fries!
I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else. And if you don't like my point of view, DON'T PASS IT ON
Andy Rooney Has Guts
Andy Rooney said on 60 minutes a few weeks back: (for those of you that don't know Andy Rooney, he is an 82 year old US TV commentator.) I like big cars, big boats, big motorcycles, big houses and big campfires.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some government stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting out babies. I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts!
ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?
I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion. I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens. Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.
I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off. When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.
I know what sex is, and there are not varying degrees of it. If I received sex from one of my subordinates in my office, it wouldn't be a private matter or my personal business. I would be "FIRED" immediately!
I believe that if you are selling me a milk shake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!
My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours. I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry self if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.
I feel much safer letting a machine with no political affiliation recount votes when needed. I know what the definition of lying is. I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop,trinket store, or any other business.
We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and Television. That doesn't stop you from watching them. I believe a self-righteous liberal or conservative with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude.
I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that invented the Internet to help you.
It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French Fries!
I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else. And if you don't like my point of view, DON'T PASS IT ON
David Morton
Closed
You forgot the thread Dan, it's the joke of the day! mercman! :lol:
martyo
MO derator
While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically
hit by a truck and killed. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter
at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it
seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What
we'll do is
have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can
choose where to spend eternity."
"There's no need! I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, and
The doors open, and he finds himself in the middle of a
beautiful green
golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of
it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in formal dress. They run to greet him, and reminisce
about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who
has a
good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good
time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big
hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up, and the
door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him ...
So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of
contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They
have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St.
Peter returns.
"Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now,
you must
choose where you want to spend eternity."
He reflects for a minute and then answers: "Well, I would never
have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be
better satisfied in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator, and down, down,
down he goes into Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and he is in the
middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his
friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. And it's
hot, hot, hot and the odor is just horrible.
Sweltering hot. Hot and miserable. The Devil comes over to
him and smoothly lays his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "The day before
was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate
lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland
full of garbage, and my friends look miserable."
The Devil looks at the senator, smiles and says, "Yesterday we
were campaigning . . today you voted for us.
hit by a truck and killed. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter
at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it
seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What
we'll do is
have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can
choose where to spend eternity."
"There's no need! I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, and
The doors open, and he finds himself in the middle of a
beautiful green
golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of
it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in formal dress. They run to greet him, and reminisce
about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who
has a
good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good
time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big
hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up, and the
door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him ...
So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of
contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They
have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St.
Peter returns.
"Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now,
you must
choose where you want to spend eternity."
He reflects for a minute and then answers: "Well, I would never
have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be
better satisfied in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator, and down, down,
down he goes into Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and he is in the
middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his
friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. And it's
hot, hot, hot and the odor is just horrible.
Sweltering hot. Hot and miserable. The Devil comes over to
him and smoothly lays his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "The day before
was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate
lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland
full of garbage, and my friends look miserable."
The Devil looks at the senator, smiles and says, "Yesterday we
were campaigning . . today you voted for us.
dwasson
A rock - me - hard place
J.C. Whitney Unveils New Car
Automotive parts and accessories supplier J.C. Whitney unveiled its new JCW-X1, the company's first turn-key automobile, to the Detroit automotive press today.
Company CEO B.Q. Whitney says it was a natural progression, "We were setting around one day in my office, and T.J. (T.J. Whitney, brother of B.Q. and Chief Product Manager of J.C. Whitney) laughed and said that he thought we had enough parts in our catalog to make an entire car. We both looked at each other, and I knew what he was thinking...let's do it...let's build a car! It was a great idea, I don't know why we didn't do it sooner."
Chief design Engineer B.B. Whitney (cousin of B.Q. and T.J.) said they were limited to the parts they had on hand, but that was not a problem, "Outside it turned out just great, it's a beautiful car. It features the gold trim accents and gold spoke wheels with the gold spotlight and gold trimmed Xenon bulb foglights. We added the deluxe gold 'Bugler Swan' hood ornament for that extra special touch of elegance. Out back we have the 'LED Message License Plate Frame' which enables the driver to add up to 4 messages of 118 characters which will display on a 6" by 8" screen. Class all the way."
Interior Design Specialist K.C. Whitney (third cousin once removed of B.B.), said that when she designed the interior, there was no expense or luxury feature spared, "The interior is where the driver will spend all of their time, so we wanted every convenience and comfort option the customer would ever want or need on the JCW-X1.Once the driver gets inside the JCW-X1, we want them to be more comfortable than they are in their living room, and we think we've succeeded! The seats are 100% pure velour and vinyl-look leather, no imitation stuff here, available in either Zebra-Stripe or Tiger-Stripe patterns. We have the 'triple chrome plated' barefoot accelerator and brake pedals, and the '8-Ball' shift knob as standard interior equipment. The customer has their choice of custom floor mats, they can choose 'Yosemite Sam' or 'Bugs Bunny' double thick all-weather super duty rubber mats or personally embroidered heavy duty cloth mats with their initials on both the front and back mats. A high quality imitation wood grain steering wheel completes the truly unique interior...and yes...when the driver hits the horn button they are serenaded by a powerful 5-trumpet 118 decibel 'Air-Blast' horn that plays the first 11 notes of 'Dixie'. When a person thinks 'Class' we want them to think JCW-X1."
Director of Powertrain Development R.Z. Whitney (no relation) said that versatility was they key, "we wanted to keep costs down, but quality high. We also know that not everyone wants the same engine characteristics in a car. Some want smooth power, some want great fuel mileage. The only way to satisfy a broad market segment was to make an enormous engine bay that any engine would fit into. The JCW-X1 can be made with anything from a Ford Pinto 4 cylinder to a Chevrolet or Dodge Big Block. We have access to literally hundreds of thousands of rebuilt engines of all makes, so we thought 'why not make a car that will accept any of them?' The customer can get the JCW-X1 in almost any guise they want, from hot rod to economical commuter, with an already proven engine design. Just order the engine you want and you're set! We think it's the most versatile vehicle on the planet. Who needs an SUV when you can have a JCW-X1!"
Prices are not yet set, but are expected to be competitive with other quality automobiles, said Marketing Director Q. L. Whitney (genetic clone of CEO B.Q. Whitney); "We are establishing a dealer network at the moment and expect to sell our first retail JCW-X1 late this fall. I say 'retail' because we have already sold three very special JCW-X1's to Jay Leno, Eric Clapton and millionaire New York pimp Jimmy 'The Judge' Jefferson. Jimmy's was a real gem, as he ordered it completely gold plated on the outside with a pink half-vinyl roof and genuine sheepskin interior. While not everyone may want one like Jimmy's, we think every JCW-X1 is truly in a class by itself!"
Automotive parts and accessories supplier J.C. Whitney unveiled its new JCW-X1, the company's first turn-key automobile, to the Detroit automotive press today.
Company CEO B.Q. Whitney says it was a natural progression, "We were setting around one day in my office, and T.J. (T.J. Whitney, brother of B.Q. and Chief Product Manager of J.C. Whitney) laughed and said that he thought we had enough parts in our catalog to make an entire car. We both looked at each other, and I knew what he was thinking...let's do it...let's build a car! It was a great idea, I don't know why we didn't do it sooner."
Chief design Engineer B.B. Whitney (cousin of B.Q. and T.J.) said they were limited to the parts they had on hand, but that was not a problem, "Outside it turned out just great, it's a beautiful car. It features the gold trim accents and gold spoke wheels with the gold spotlight and gold trimmed Xenon bulb foglights. We added the deluxe gold 'Bugler Swan' hood ornament for that extra special touch of elegance. Out back we have the 'LED Message License Plate Frame' which enables the driver to add up to 4 messages of 118 characters which will display on a 6" by 8" screen. Class all the way."
Interior Design Specialist K.C. Whitney (third cousin once removed of B.B.), said that when she designed the interior, there was no expense or luxury feature spared, "The interior is where the driver will spend all of their time, so we wanted every convenience and comfort option the customer would ever want or need on the JCW-X1.Once the driver gets inside the JCW-X1, we want them to be more comfortable than they are in their living room, and we think we've succeeded! The seats are 100% pure velour and vinyl-look leather, no imitation stuff here, available in either Zebra-Stripe or Tiger-Stripe patterns. We have the 'triple chrome plated' barefoot accelerator and brake pedals, and the '8-Ball' shift knob as standard interior equipment. The customer has their choice of custom floor mats, they can choose 'Yosemite Sam' or 'Bugs Bunny' double thick all-weather super duty rubber mats or personally embroidered heavy duty cloth mats with their initials on both the front and back mats. A high quality imitation wood grain steering wheel completes the truly unique interior...and yes...when the driver hits the horn button they are serenaded by a powerful 5-trumpet 118 decibel 'Air-Blast' horn that plays the first 11 notes of 'Dixie'. When a person thinks 'Class' we want them to think JCW-X1."
Director of Powertrain Development R.Z. Whitney (no relation) said that versatility was they key, "we wanted to keep costs down, but quality high. We also know that not everyone wants the same engine characteristics in a car. Some want smooth power, some want great fuel mileage. The only way to satisfy a broad market segment was to make an enormous engine bay that any engine would fit into. The JCW-X1 can be made with anything from a Ford Pinto 4 cylinder to a Chevrolet or Dodge Big Block. We have access to literally hundreds of thousands of rebuilt engines of all makes, so we thought 'why not make a car that will accept any of them?' The customer can get the JCW-X1 in almost any guise they want, from hot rod to economical commuter, with an already proven engine design. Just order the engine you want and you're set! We think it's the most versatile vehicle on the planet. Who needs an SUV when you can have a JCW-X1!"
Prices are not yet set, but are expected to be competitive with other quality automobiles, said Marketing Director Q. L. Whitney (genetic clone of CEO B.Q. Whitney); "We are establishing a dealer network at the moment and expect to sell our first retail JCW-X1 late this fall. I say 'retail' because we have already sold three very special JCW-X1's to Jay Leno, Eric Clapton and millionaire New York pimp Jimmy 'The Judge' Jefferson. Jimmy's was a real gem, as he ordered it completely gold plated on the outside with a pink half-vinyl roof and genuine sheepskin interior. While not everyone may want one like Jimmy's, we think every JCW-X1 is truly in a class by itself!"
David Morton
Closed
Hey, what about a steering wheel knob? They left out the steering wheel knob! And they also forgot those weld-to-fit exhaust cut-outs (as featured in that Hollywood essential movie Redline 7000 ). I want some of those for my car!
Bwaahahahaha!
Bwaahahahaha!
the brave drunk
A drunk walks into a bar and asks for a shot and a beer.
Then he walks over to three mean looking bikers, all decked out in leather and chains, and looks the biggest one straight in the eye.
"Your grandmother is one hot looking babe". No reaction from the biker.
"Last night, I banged her for hours" Still no response, although the other two bikers are starting to look strangely at their friend.
"And you want to know something? She was still begging for more" !!
With that, the biker gets up.
"Didn't we ask you to cut down on your drinking, grandpa ?"
A drunk walks into a bar and asks for a shot and a beer.
Then he walks over to three mean looking bikers, all decked out in leather and chains, and looks the biggest one straight in the eye.
"Your grandmother is one hot looking babe". No reaction from the biker.
"Last night, I banged her for hours" Still no response, although the other two bikers are starting to look strangely at their friend.
"And you want to know something? She was still begging for more" !!
With that, the biker gets up.
"Didn't we ask you to cut down on your drinking, grandpa ?"
dwasson
A rock - me - hard place
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf." The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My, what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf." Again, the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop."
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf." The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My, what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf." Again, the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop."
David Morton
Closed
Bre'r Bear wuz takin' a shet in da woods an look'd over hiz shoulda' to see Bre'r Rabbit a watchin'!(?)
Bre'r Bear:"Say, Bre'r Rabbit. Duz da shet stick to yo fur?"
Bre'r Rabbit:"Naw Bre'r Bear. Shet don't stick to my fur."
Bre'r Bear:"Good!"
And with that said, he picked up Bre'r Rabbit and wiped his a$$ with him.
Bre'r Bear:"Say, Bre'r Rabbit. Duz da shet stick to yo fur?"
Bre'r Rabbit:"Naw Bre'r Bear. Shet don't stick to my fur."
Bre'r Bear:"Good!"
And with that said, he picked up Bre'r Rabbit and wiped his a$$ with him.
After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver noticed that the Pope was still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," said the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," said the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protested the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," said the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope climbed in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regreted his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floored it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleaded the worried driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal until they heard sirens.
"Oh, my God! I'm gonna lose my license," moaned the driver. The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the cop approached. The cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he said to the dispatcher.
The Chief got on the radio and the cop told him that he stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said he Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," said the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," said the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protested the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," said the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope climbed in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regreted his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floored it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleaded the worried driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal until they heard sirens.
"Oh, my God! I'm gonna lose my license," moaned the driver. The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the cop approached. The cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he said to the dispatcher.
The Chief got on the radio and the cop told him that he stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said he Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"