Joke of the day

Love those Catholic jokes. :lol:


Mother Superior Sister Agnes asked Sally, whom the sisters had raised since she was orphaned at three, what she was planning on doing after she graduated the high-school. She offered several names of good colleges for Sallys consideration but Sally said she wanted to see the world first, London, Paris, Berlin, all the great cities of Europe.

Agnes: "But child, how can you do that with no money?"
Sally: "I'll find a way to pay for it. I don't care if i have to be a prostitute."
Agnes fainted like a wet dish rag. When they revived her she asked for a clairification.
Agnes: "My child, what was that you said you were going to do to pay for this trip to Europe? I'm not sure I heard you correctly."
Sally: "I said, I don't care if I have to be a prostitute."
Agnes: "Oh thank God! I thought you said you were going to be a protestant."
 
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes w ith the order and says, "That will be £12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a litre of milk or Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say!"
 
(Feel free to change the names as you see fit.)


G. W. Bush and John Kerry somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Kerry in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Kerry was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, and my wife Theresa will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?

Bush replied, "Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
 
A woman’s husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.

One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she’s waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.

“It’s getting late, big boy,” she says after a few minutes. “Why don’t we go upstairs to bed.”

“We might as well,” slurs the husband. “I’m going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.”
 
After reviewing a complicated divorce case, the Judge looks to the husband and says, "Based upon the facts before me, I've decided to give your wife $750 per month."

The husband smiles and says, "That's great. Heck, I'll even throw in a few bucks myself."
 
Little Billy wanted the bicycle he saw in the Schwinn Store very badly and remembering what his grandmaw had said about the power of prayer he asked God for the bike in his prayers but didn't get any results. Thinking maybe God thought he hadn't been a very good boy in school, he promised God he would be very good for a whole week! Sure enough the sisters noticed a marked change and sent him home with a note that was so encouraging to his mommy, she baked him a special batch of cookies. That night he was sure God would grant his request. But the next morning, there was no bike anywhere to be found. Very discouraged, he was headed back to his room when he looked up and saw the shrine with the statue of the Virgin Mary on it and was instantly struck with an inspiration! Secretly, he took the statue down, hid it under his shirt and took it up to his bedroom where he carefully wrapped it up in a blanket and put it in the bottom of his toy chest, again very carefully placing the toys on top and closing the chest. Then, with the chest back inside the closet, he went to his bed and got on his knees.

"God? This is Billy, you know the one that wants the bike. Now listen very carefully, because if you ever want to see your mother again....."
 
Rules fopr Gunfights

1 Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns.
2 Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap-life is expensive.
3 Only hits count. The only thing worse then a miss is a slow miss.
4 If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough or using cover correctly.
5 Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and Diagonal movement are preferred.)
6 If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend with a long gun.
7 In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
8 If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.
9 Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be dependent on "pucker factor" then the inherent accuracy of the gun.
10 Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel blows the powder from the flintlock of your musket."
11 Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
12 Always cheat, always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
13 Have a plan.
14 Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
15 Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
16 Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
17 Don't drop your guard.
18 Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.
19 Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them.)
20 Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
21 The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
22 Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
23 Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
24 Your number one option for personal security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
25 Do not attend a gun fight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with anything smaller then "4".
26 Your can't miss fast enough to win.
 
This might sound like a joke but I was reminded of the first time I almost had sex when I was 14. The guys had dared me to speak to the prostitute on 14th street and she asked if I wanted to do "69" and I said yes so she took me to the motel and no sooner had we gotten in the position before she farted right in my face!

So I ran right out of there. No way I was going to put up with 68 more of those farts!
 
The Pope is visiting DC and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac...sailing on the pres. yacht, the Sequoia.
They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water.
Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but Bush waves them off, saying "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."
Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.
The next morning the topic of conversation among Democrats on the hill, and amoung Hollywood celebrities, and in France and Germany was:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"Bush Can't Swim."
 
David Morton said:
This might sound like a joke but I was reminded of the first time I almost had sex when I was 14. The guys had dared me to speak to the prostitute on 14th street and she asked if I wanted to do "69" and I said yes so she took me to the motel and no sooner had we gotten in the position before she farted right in my face!

So I ran right out of there. No way I was going to put up with 68 more of those farts!
Click to expand...
EEWWWW!!!!!!
 
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,"What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
 
Groan Of The Day

A group was touring London, marveling at the historic buildings, art collections, and such. The group included people from many countries. During the tour of the Tower of London, a man from Prague and another man from Athens struck up a conversation about some point in history.
A small disagreement ensued, which rapidly became a large one. They decided to settle the matter then and there using the historical accouterments at hand. Donning armor and chain mail, they prepared for a battle to the death. This attracted the attention of the rest of the tour group, who crowded around for a better look. Inasmuch as the combatants were in period dress, the people couldn't tell one from another.
"Is that the Czech wearing the armor?" asked one tourist. "No," replied another, "The Greek is in the armor. The Czech is in the mail
 
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet

"Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said,... "Those little bastards."
 
Only slightly racy --

Two Priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father." nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?.
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them. Once again, in their new attire, settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a g-string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father." and started to walk away.

One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady."

"Yes, Father?"

"We are Priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are Priests, dressed as we are?"

"Father, it's me, Sister Angela." she replied.
 
[Dan thinks out loud] Hmmm, I had a Priest Joke thread deleted once. I wonder what the reaction to the above joke will be?[/Dan thinks out loud]

:bows: ;) :confused: :lol:

I did think that was a funny joke. I have one or two but I am going to see if your joke lasts first. :)

Best,

Dan
 
I think this joke will pass muster, after all, priests and nuns have to vacation as well. Let your conscience be your guide, if you would not tell the joke to a priest, then don't post it here!! :up:
 
Actually my exp. has been that the priests themselves tell the raciest ones. (not pornographic, but ones that I would hesitate to tell in the presence of clergy).

-A

mercman said:
I think this joke will pass muster, after all, priests and nuns have to vacation as well. Let your conscience be your guide, if you would not tell the joke to a priest, then don't post it here!! :up:
Click to expand...
 
Several elderly Irish lasses were picking potatoes in the field. One of them stopped while holding two rather large spuds. She let a big sigh. One of the other women asked, "What's wrong dear?'

The woman holding the spuds responded, "Aye, these potatoes remind me of my dear departed husbands testicles."

The women responded, "Oh dear!!! Were they really that large??"

"Oh no." the woman responded. "They were that dirty."
 
Dyslexic Trekkies, untie!

I am dyslexic of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
 
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