Joke of the day

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a team leader or possibly someone in senior management."
 
A woman walks into a Mercury dealership. She browses around, then spots the car of her dreams and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, she mildly passes gas. Extremely embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little faux pas, and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. But, as she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, I'm afraid I can't say..... If you farted just touching it... you're going to crap when you hear the price."
 
THE 2004 DARWIN AWARDS

Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. It's an annual honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

And the nominees this year in reverse order are.....

7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was aproximately 6' 2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearin g a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward. (Damn it...I want pictures!!!)

5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreakage with their pants around their ankles.

4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County polic e said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

AND THE WINNER OF THE 2004 DARWIN AWARD SHOULD BE....

Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the b all washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to le ave the course. NOTE: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.
 
EDIT:

Image removed because it changed to a porn site.

:loco: :dunno: :banned: :run:
 
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Bob returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.

Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Bob went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"

Alma agreed and again they made love. Later, Bob was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said,"Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."

She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Bob, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Bob, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."
 
WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY.

Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning.
I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would Be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and would probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone "Happy Birthday." Anyway,
I thought,"well, that's wives for you, the Children will remember!" The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word!

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." I felt a little remembered...

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.

" We went to lunch". We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss,
If you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and
dozens of our friends.

They were all singing Happy Birthday...
and there I sat on the couch

......EFFIN NAKED !!!
 
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see your ears are working," says the duck. "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please? I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringleader. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"

"Yeah?," says the duck. "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus," says the landlord.

"The circus?" the duck inquires.

"That's right," replies the landlord.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the landlord.

The duck looks confused, "What the f*** would they want with a plasterer?"
 
Loyalty in marriage

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day,when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the f*** away from me."
 
A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took her faithful pet poodle along for company.

One day, the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long the poodle discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The poodle thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That poodle nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the poodle saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet...and just when they get close enough to hear the poodle says...

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"



"SOMETIMES BULL**** AND BRILLIANCE ARE THE SAME!!"
 
Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters whose jobit was to fertilize the eggs. Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiencyreport simply by listening to the bells. Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster'sbbell had not rung at all!! Zeb went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a- ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover
BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak,so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but also the Pullet surprise.
 
A woman wakes up in the middle of the night and notices that her husband isn't in bed.

She gets up and goes down to find out where he is. She finds him staring at the wall, tears in his eyes. She asks, "What's wrong, darling?"

After a while he answers, "Do you remember the first time we had sex in the back of my car and your father caught us?"

"Yes," she answers.

"Do you remember when he put a gun in my mouth and said, 'You either marry my daughter or you go to prison for at least 20 years!!!'"

"Yes, I still remember" answers his wife, moved by his memory.

"Well," he says, "today I would have been free... "
 
martyo said:
It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked
the Krispy Kreme out of my other hand. In all the confusion, of trying to straighten out the car with my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into my Starbucks coffee between my legs, splashed and burned BIG BOB and the TWINS, ruined the phone and
disconnected an important call.
Click to expand...


"BIG BOB and the TWINS" MartyO??? :shake:
 
revenge is HELL

> Old Woman Fights Back
>
>
>
> An old woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York
City
>Office Building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator
and
>smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old woman and says
arrogantly,
>"Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
>
>
>
> The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and
also
>very arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150
an
>ounce!"
>
>
>
> About three floors later, the old woman has reached her
destination
>and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks
both
>beautiful women in the eyes, bends over, and lets out a most
foul-smelling
>fart. She leaves the stunned women in a cloud of funk, saying
"Broccoli -
>49 cents a pound."
 
hillbilly humor

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old
> >hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores
> >he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
> >
> >Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that"! Here's a picture of
> >my daddy." He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his
> >wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father.
> >
> >So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields,
> >he would go there and look at it.
> >
> >Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
> >
> >One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
> >As she looked into the glass, she fumed,
> >
> >"So that's the ugly b***h he's runnin' around with."
 
A little hillbilly boy came running home one day and said "Daddy, Daddy I'm gonna marry me a virgin."

The Father said "Boy ain't no way your gonna marry a virgin!!"

The little boy asked why not and the dad replied "If she ain't good 'nuff for her family she ain't good 'nuff for ours"
 
Not Great

the carburettor
"The car won't start," aid a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburettor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburettor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburettor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."
 
New Lawyer
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.

As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking..

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million.."

"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.."

"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details.."

This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy.

What can I do for you?"

The man replied "I'm from the phone company..I came to hook up your phone."
 
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