Joke of the day

A wonderful Message by George Carlin:

A wonderful Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up
too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our
values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate
too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.

We've added years to life not life to years. We've
been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.

We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've
done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.

We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We
write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can
bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and
your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and
an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep
inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish
the moment for someday that person will not be there
again. Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.

Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you
pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer,
crafts, gardening, whatever.

Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop."And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

If you don't send this to at least 8 people....who cares?

George Carlin
 
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my
name!"
 
A Scary Old Lady

An old lady was pulled over for speeding on Halloween night. The officer asks to see the woman's license.
"Oh, I don't have one," she replied, "I lost it four years ago for drunk driving."
The officer asked to see her registration.
"This isn't my car," she retorts, "I stole it after I killed the owner. The dismembered body is in the trunk. I can show you, if you'd like to see."
The officer was very shaken up and immediately called for backup. Within five minutes, police cars had surrounded the old womans car.
The lieutenant cautiously approched the woman. "Ma'am, the officer told me you have a body in the trunk...could you open the trunk please?"
The woman opened the trunk, revealing only a spare tire.
"Is this your car ma'am?"
"Why, yes," the woman replied handing him her license and registration.
The lieutenant, now glaring at the officer, handed the papers back to the woman. "Thank you, ma'am. My officer told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."
The old woman replied, "I bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!"
 
On the way home from work a Fire Chief sees a young boy sitting in a little red fire engine being pulled down the sidewalk by a Dalmatian.
The Chief thinks that this is just the cutest thing and pulls over to take a picture.
When he comes up to the boy he notices that the rope the boy is holding is tied to the poor dog's testicles!!
The Chief asks the boy; "Wouldn't it be better to tie your rope to the dog's collar?...that way your dog could pull you faster!"
The boy paused, thought about it, then replied; "No, because then I wouldn't have a SIREN!
 
Semper Fi

One sunny day in 2005, an old man approached the White House from across
Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to
the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with
President Kerry." The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Kerry is not President and
doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the
same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry" The
Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Kerry is not
President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked
away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the
very
same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and
said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to
speak to Mr. Kerry. I've told you already that Mr. Kerry is not the
President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "Sir, see you
tomorrow, Sir.
 
A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked hem to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are 6-years-old, because the last one is quite amazing.

1. Better to be safe than......punch a 5th grader.

2. Don't bite the hand that.....looks dirty.

3. It's always darkest before.........Daylight Saving Time.

4. A miss is as good as a...................Mr.

5. If you lie down with dogs, you'll......stink in the morning.

6. Children should be seen and not...spanked or grounded.

7. If at first you don't succeed......get new batteries.

8. Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.

9. When the blind lead the blind...get out of the way.

10. An idle mind is...........the best way to relax.

11. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......you have to blow your nose.

12. Happy the bride who.........gets all the presents.

13. A penny saved is........................not much.

14. Two's company, three's.................the Musketeers.

15. There are none so blind as.........Stevie Wonder.

And the favorite: 16. Better late than...........................pregnant
 
French Humor

AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "run" to "hide." The only two higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaborate." The raise was precipitated by the recent fire which destroyed one of France's white flag factories, disabling their military.

Jay Leno says it's no surprise the French won't help us get Saddam Hussein out of Iraq. They didn't help us get Germany out of France, either. Still, it's essential for them to join us in the war against Iraq. They can teach the Iraqis how to surrender.

And why are French streets tree-lined? So the Germans can march in the shade. How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? No one knows. It's never been tried. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? The army. How many gears does a French tank have? Five, four in reverse and one forward (in case of attack from behind).

Dennis Miller specializes in anti-French humor. "The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq," Miller says. "The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies."
 
Gotta love kids!!!

Why We Love Children
1) A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

2) A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, you had your chance before Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad...." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

3) An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

4) One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

5) It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes and my Mom says it's a bit_h to iron."

6) When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"

7) A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bit-h is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bit-h is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bit-h is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

8) One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, "… and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ' The sky is falling, the sky is falling! '" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy sh-t! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9) A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

10) A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

11) A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father she stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm going to get boobs too."
 
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Female Prayer:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Amen.



Male Prayer:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.

Amen
 
duhtroll said:
Female Prayer:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Amen.



Male Prayer:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.

Amen
Click to expand...


:bows: :bows: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
 
Sad

Two guys are golfing on a course that is right next to a cemetery. After they tee off, one of the golfers notices that there is a funeral procession passing by. So he takes off his hat, and places it over his heart. When the funeral is over, the other golfer looks at the guy and asks, ''Why did you do that?''

The man replies, ''Well we were maried for almost 40 years. It's the least I could do.''
 
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it
to the
veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears, cleaned
both ears and the
dog could hear fine. The vet tells the lady if she wants to keep
this from
reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair
remover and rub in
the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair." At the
register the
druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms
don't use
deodorant for a few days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs don't shave
for a couple
of days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you
must know I'm
using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
 
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual
park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his
morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked
him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said,
"well I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level
high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he
was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it, would you like
some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said , "My goodness, 5 loaves...it'll get hard."

He replied, "Does everybody in the world know about this
Italian
bread but ME?
 
Things you can only say at Thanksgiving!

1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
:P :P :P
 
Bigdogjim said:
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
:P :P :P
Click to expand...


:eek: :high5: :high5: :high5:
 
A beautiful, well endowed, young lady went to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looked about the store, she noticed a box full of frogs. The sign said: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each!
Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions."

The girl excitedly looked around to see if anybody was watching her and whispered softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."

The girl nodded, grabbed the box, and quickly went home. As soon as she closed the door to her apartment, she read the instructions thoroughly and carefully.

Then she followed the instructions to the letter:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice-smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog in the bed.

She quickly got into bed with the frog. To her surprise, nothing happened.
The girl was totally frustrated and quite upset. She reread the instructions and noticed that, at the bottom of the page, there was a note.
It said, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."
So, the lady called the pet store. The man said, "I had some other complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."

Within five minutes, the man was ringing her doorbell.
The lady welcomed him and said, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn frog just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picked up the frog, stared directly into its eyes, and sternly said, "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
 
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever
experienced.

When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.

He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
 
Frustrated with twenty years of struggling with the pinchpenny deacons commitee over his salary, the pastor stunned the congregation with his final farewell after the services.

"My heart is heavy today for this was my last sermon here. With my oldest going to college soon I can't possibly stay for the salary I get here so I have accepted another offer from a church in Atlanta."

Two seconds pass and the local car dealer stood up...

"Don't go! I'll donate cars for your wife and for your kids to drive!"

Then the banker...

"I think I can find a way to get 0% financing for your kids' college tuition!"

Then Velma Johnson, the best built head deacons wife since Bathsheba...

"I'll have sex with you! I just asked Henry what could I do to stop you and he said, 'F*ck 'em!'." :D
 
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big brass gong next to the bed.

"What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You :censor:, it's three o'clock in the morning!"
 
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