Joke of the day

Chinese Sick Leave - "i No Come Work Today!!!

CHINESE SICK LEAVE - "I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!
"Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I
really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt no come work"

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.

When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That
makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I
feel great. I be at work soon......... You got nice house."
 
The boss was in a quandary; he had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.

He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night.

She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the boss approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like sh*t."
 
English Lit at it's finest!

Here's a prime example of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus";
offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado for an
actual class assignment:

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new
form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair
off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.

"As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short
story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy
to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another
paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me.
The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth."

"Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the
story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails
and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is
over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca
and Gary.

THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off
Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too
much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the
question.

(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now
In orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the
neuroses of an air-headed, asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had
spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geost Station 17,"
he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No
sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish
particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's
cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and
across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one
last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever
had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law
Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper
one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared
out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly
and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from
her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why
must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands
of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its
lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the
unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left
Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined
to
destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty
the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to
pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly
initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing
partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate, adolescent.

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered, tedious, neurotic, whose
attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I
Have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F**KING TEA??? Oh
no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many
Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)
A**hole

(Gary)
B*tch!

(Rebecca)
F**K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!

(Gary)
In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.

(TEACHER)
A+ I really liked this one.
<!-- Converted from text/rtf format -->
 
:rofl: :laugh:

:nworthy: :nworthy: :nworthy:

Krytin said:
Here's a prime example of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus";
offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado for an
actual class assignment:

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new
form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair
off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.

"As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short
story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy
to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another
paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me.
The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth."

"Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the
story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails
and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is
over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca
and Gary.

THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off
Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too
much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the
question.

(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now
In orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the
neuroses of an air-headed, asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had
spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geost Station 17,"
he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No
sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish
particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's
cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and
across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one
last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever
had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law
Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper
one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared
out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly
and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from
her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why
must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands
of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its
lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the
unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left
Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined
to
destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty
the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to
pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly
initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing
partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate, adolescent.

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered, tedious, neurotic, whose
attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I
Have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F**KING TEA??? Oh
no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many
Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)
A**hole

(Gary)
B*tch!

(Rebecca)
F**K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!

(Gary)
In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.

(TEACHER)
A+ I really liked this one.
<!-- Converted from text/rtf format -->
Click to expand...
 
This just in...............

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A white house source stated that Congress is considering awarding Vice-President Dick Cheney the Medal of Freedom, the nation's highest civilian commendation, for his act of bravery in shooting an attorney.

The source was quoted to say, "All Americans have wanted to shoot a lawyer at one time or another and Cheney actually had the guts to do it."

In a related story, the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department, which issues hunting licenses, said that it will start requiring hunters, wishing to bag a lawyer, to have the new "lawyer's stamp" on their hunting license.
Currently Texas hunters are required to carry stamps for hunting birds, deer, and bear, at a cost of $7 annually.

The new "lawyers stamp" will cost $100, but open season will be all year long. The department further stated that although the "lawyers stamp"
comes at hefty price, sales have been brisk and it is believe it will generate annual revenues in excess of $3 billion dollars the first year.

Other states are considering similar lawyer hunting stamps.
 
The British Navy...

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British
and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 98. Radio conversation released by
the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-01:

IRISH: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision."

BRITISH: "Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to
avoid a collision."

IRISH: "Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

BRITISH: "This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR
course."

IRISH: "Negative. I say again, You will have to divert YOUR course."

BRITISH: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITANNIA! THE
SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND
NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR
COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES
NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE
THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP!"











IRISH: "We are a lighthouse...Your call."
 
Boudreaux, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or
you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."

Boudreaux thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped
home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your
mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would
spend only $150."

Boudreaux replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and
three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
 
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a Parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to Her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly angry now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, You are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said That she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure The parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the Parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said,"Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."
 
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging at 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to
fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?"
 
Texas Razorbacks...

As President Bush gets off the helicopter in front of the White House, he is carrying a baby pig under each arm. The squared-away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President pauses and replies: "These are not pigs; these are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Ted Kennedy and one for
Senator John Kerry."

The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says...

"Nice trade, sir."
 
Because I'm a man,
when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after
hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win, even if it
means destroying the door or window in the process.

Because I'm a man,
when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the
engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us
will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with
all these computers and everything, I wouldn't even know where to start.."
We will then drink a couple of beverages and curse at the machine as a form
of holy communion.

Because I'm a man,
when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me
while I lie in bed and moan. Women never get as sick as we do, so for you,

this should not be a problem.

Because I'm a man,
I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or
bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "paprika" or "tofu."
For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I'm a man,
when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart,
despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair
person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man,
I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If
the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for
it. And, frankly, women have never mastered the art of channel surfing.

You're either going too slow or too fast.


Because I'm a man,
there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is
always either sex, cars, sex, sports, or sex. I'll just have to make up
something else if you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man,
you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying
at the end of it, I didn't. And if you are feeling amorous afterwards,

then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to my buddies.

Because I'm a man,
I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five
minutes ago was fine too. Either pair of shoes is fine, really. With the belt or
without, it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go
now? Please?

Because I'm a man,
and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the
housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the
vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest. Having a beer while I'm on

my brand new 200 HP riding mower for my 1/8 acre lot is tougher

than it looks. It takes a lot of concentration to avoid spilling any while

going around corners at 30 MPH.

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men...
 
Test for us, old kids!

This is a test for us, old kids! The answers are printed below, but don't you cheat.

READY?? Here we go!

01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?____& a hidi hi o silver_bullet_______

02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. In early 1964, we all watched them on The ___ed sullivan____________ Show.

03. "Get your kicks, _____on 66____________."

04. "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed __to protectthe innocent_______."

05. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ____the lion sleeps____________."

06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the "__limbo___________."

07. "N_E_S_T_L_E_S", Nestle's makes the very best ____chocolate__________."

08. Satchmo was America's "Ambassador of Goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _____satchmo - louis amstrong

09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? ____timex___________

10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named __________________, and Red always ended his television show by saying, "Good Night, and _______________ ."

11. Some Americans Who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their____draft cards________.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ___beetle_________ & _____love bug__________.

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the music died." This was a tribute to __holly and others on the plane________________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ____sputnix_______________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It w as called the _____hula hoop___________

Scroll Down for answers.

















ANSWERS:
01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
02. The Ed Sullivan Show
03. On Route 66
04. To protect the innocent.
05. The Lion sleeps tonight
06. The limbo
07. Chocolate
08. Louis Armstrong
09. The Timex watch
10. Freddy, The Freeloader, and "Good Night, and may God Bless ."
11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned.)
12. Beetle or Bug
13. Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and the Big Booper
14. Sputnik
15. Hoola-hoop
 
fastblackmerc said:
This is a test for us, old kids! The answers are printed below, but don't you cheat.

READY?? Here we go!
Click to expand...
You do realize that the answers were already printed on the question sheet. :rofl: You are not a teacher are you?? :dunno:
 
New drugs for women

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you
of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they
moved out.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to two days.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before
an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and
prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in
enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the
urge to flip off other drivers. <B! R="">

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such
lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get
naked now?"

B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency,
duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.


N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same
irritation level as nagging him.

</XBODY><!-- end of AOLMsgPart_12_09d0db2e-4287-4801-a9b9-8c10f7b1d079 --><!-- end of AOLMsgPart_9_09d0db2e-4287-4801-a9b9-8c10f7b1d079 -->
 
New Drugs For Men

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

CAPAGRA - Caused test subjects to become uncharacteristically fastidious about lowering toilet seats and replacing toothpaste caps. Subjects on higher doses were seen dusting furniture.

a few otheres......

MIRRORCILLIN - A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up to four hours without pausing once to check makeup or hair. This still does not stop however the compulsary need to check in the rear view mirror when entering a vehicle.

STOPPANAGGIN - Gives women a vague feeling of contentment towards their spouse/boyfriend. More development is needed on this drug however, as the effects are very shortlived.

COSMOPOLIRA - Doubles female intelligence to almost simian levels, thus allowing 'facts' in trash lifestyle magazines to be disputed.

LOGICON - Trials have showed that females taking this were able to follow a proposition through to its logical conclusion, and argue effectively without being diverted into non relevant postulates such as 'you don't love me anymore'.

PARKATRON - 72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse park a Nissan Micra into a space only 12 meters long; 54% achieved this in under 15 minutes. Without the drug, 99% failed this test.

WARDROBIA - Clinical trials show that almost 23% of women taking this drug can safely walk past a sale notice, and an amazing 42% actually stayed within their credit limit.

BEERINTULIN - Engenders a female desire to bring her spouse/boyfriend alcoholic beverages and snacks during televised sports.

<!-- / message --><!-- sig -->
 
A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the
doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and
says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what
can I do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy
sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce,
25 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts
cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."
 
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