Joke of the day

golf joke #2

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The constable! asks, "Ma'am, is that...
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five"
 
Virus Alert!!!!

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means, DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest bar. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE) or bothersome-Employer-Eliminator-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
 
LADIES, PLEASE WATCH YOUR RETIRED HUSBANDS IF YOU TAKE THEM
SHOPPING WITH YOU. IT SEEMS SOME ARE REALLY UP TO MISCHIEF IN THE STORES.
Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton, has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.

Mr. Wally, President and CEO of Wal-Mart Complaint Department

MEMO Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
(And; last, but not least!)
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
 
LADIES, PLEASE WATCH YOUR RETIRED HUSBANDS IF YOU TAKE THEM
SHOPPING WITH YOU. IT SEEMS SOME ARE REALLY UP TO MISCHIEF IN THE STORES.
Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton, has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.

Mr. Wally, President and CEO of Wal-Mart Complaint Department

MEMO Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
(And; last, but not least!)
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
 
I bet everyone missed this.....

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him prepared for burial.
They put his left leg in... and then the trouble started.

Shut up.

You know it's funny.

Come on admit it, you did chuckle when you read this!

Now send it on to someone else and make them smile :D
 
Jim, I think it is funny. I am old enough to have done the hokey pokey and to have considered inside the box. I hope they have the same problem with me at about the same age. Dennis:2thumbs:
 
>Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot
>when they collide.
>
>The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my
>wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
>
>The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
>wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
>
>The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife
>look like?
>
>The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue
>eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does
>your wife look like?"
>The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
 
FBI Final Exam:

After all the background checks, interviews, and
testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and
a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men
to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions
no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you
will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never
shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for
this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He
took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet
for about 5 minutes. The man came out with
tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my
wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take
your wife and go home."


Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging
on the walls.



After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened
slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat
from her brow. "This gun is loaded
with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death
with the chair."
 
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A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you
in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a canon ball, but I'm fine
now."
"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My
hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and
one of them sh*t in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from
some bird sh*t."
"It was my first day with the hook."
 
Moral of this story..

The Old Poodle

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep dodo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story..

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bull**** and brilliance only come with age and experience!
 
G-Rated A$$ Family Photo

G-Rated

AssFamily.jpg
 
Fun with the IRS

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his
attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and
no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win
money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a
demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own
eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand
dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three
grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee
into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop
anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully
and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he
agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on
other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy! , realizing that he has just turned a
major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his
head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me
he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars
that he could come in here and piss all over an IRS official's desk
and that you'd be happy about it."
Dennis:beer:
 
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a Patient pretending he's driving a car with his hands at 10 and 2.

The nurse asks him,"Kevin! What are you doing?"
Kevin replied, "Can't talk right now I'm driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Kevin's room just as he
stopped driving his imaginary car and she asks, "Well Kevin, how you doing?"

Kevin says "I'm exhausted. I just got into Chicago and I need some rest."

That's great," replied the nurse,"I'm glad you had a safe trip."
The nurse leaves Kevin's room and then goes across the
hall into another patients' room and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
Very surprised she shouts, "Ed what are you doing ???"
To which Ed replies, "Shhh, I'm screwing Kevin's wife while he's in Chicago".
 
Old man and a Vette

A man goes out and buys a new Vette convertible. One night he takes it out for a spin, and stops at a red light. An old man pulls up next to him riding a mo-ped. The old man looks over the Vette and says, "What kind of car ya got there sonny?"
The man replies, "It's a 2000 Corvette, the best sports car in the USA; it cost me over $50,000."
"That's a lot of money" says the old man. Why do they cost so much?" The man answers, "Because they can go 170 miles an hour!" The old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his mo-ped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car all right!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what the car can do. He floors it, and in a few seconds the speedo reads 120 MPH. Suddenly he notices a dot in his rear view mirror that seems to be catching up to him. Afraid it might be a cop, he slows down to 65 and suddenly whhhoooosshh! Something whips by him going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than this Vette?" the man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming towards him. Whhoooosshh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it sorta looked like the old man on the mo-ped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a mo-ped outrun a Vette?"
Then again he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whhooosshh - Blam! It plows into the back of the Vette! The man jumps out. It IS the old man! Of course, the mo-ped and the old man are in a world of hurt. The guy runs up to the old man and cries, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man groans and replies, "Yes, could you please unhook my suspenders from your side mirror?
 
Hey Everybody! Did you hear about the 90 year old man who went to the doctor and told him he wanted a prescription for Viagra but wanted the pills cut in quarters? The doctor told the old man at your age Viagra ain't gonna help you any. And besides, why do you want the pills cut in quarters? You need to take the whole pill! To this the old man replied you don't understand Doc. I'm only looking for a little help so this way when a take a leak I'll stop peein' in my shoe!
 
One morning an 85 year old man woke up and exclaimed to his wife he couldn't hear out of his left ear. So his wife takes him to the doctor and the doctor checks him out. The doc says to him, "No wonder you can't hear out of your left ear! You got a supository stuck in there!" To that the old man thinks a second and says, "Oh! Now I remember where I stuck my hearing aid!"
 
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!
 
How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages...
>
> English
> I Love You
>
> Spanish
> Te Amo
>
> French
> Je T'aime
>
> German
> lch Liebe Dich
>
> Japanese
> Ai ****e Imasu
>
> Thai
> Phom rak khun
>
> Italian
> Ti amo
>
> Chinese
> Wo Ai Ni
>
> Swedish
> Jag Alskar
>
> Alabama
> Arkansas
> Oklahoma
> Texas
> North Carolina
> South Carolina
> Georgia
> Tennessee
> Missouri
> Mississippi
> Montana
> Louisiana
> Virginia
> West Virginia
> Kentucky
> Parts of Florida
>
> Nice Ass, Get in the truck


Dennis:beer:
 
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