Joke of the day

Men are happier!

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. ​
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
 
My car has so much horse power that it's fun to drive. Also, I tend to have a heavy foot on the gas pedal. Idunno, maybe it's a "mid-life crisis" thing.
- Anyway......

I GOT STOPPED FOR SPEEDING YESTERDAY.

I THOUGHT I COULD TALK MY WAY OUT OF IT
UNTIL...THE TROOPER LOOKED AT MY DOG IN THE BACK SEAT.
 
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Marriage...

Marriage - Part I
Typical macho man marries typical good-looking woman and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules! Any comments?"

His new bride says, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night whether you're here or not."
****************************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife have a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"
****************************************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "You're no good in bed either!" and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?" he says,
"Getting a second opinion!"
****************************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievements. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six", in spite of her objections.
</FON T>
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
****************************************************
Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

 
Marriage Part VI

A husband and wife of 50 years were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary at a party put together by the family. The Husband, having been implored by the family, relucatantly stood up to fill their request for a toast.
He raised his glass as everyone waited eagerly for his words... He said, "To my wife of 50 years: If I'd have killed you the first day, I'd be a free man by now."

(True story.)
 
SergntMac said:
Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

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Click to expand...


See what I have to put up with now.

What was that Honey!!!
Oh, nothing Dear.
I read that, you are in sooooo much trouble.
I'm sorry Dear.
Go get a switch!!!
Yes Dear, talk to you fellows later.
 
Here's more .............

Marriage Part VII

A husband was reflecting on 25 years of marriage when he told his friends that "He didn't regret one day of it." Then he said, "That day was 16 August 1987 -- I think she was visiting her sister that day".
 
25 Signs That, Sadly, You've Grown Up



  1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
  2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
  3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
  4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
  5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
  6. You watch the Weather Channel.
  7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
  8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
  9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
  10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
  11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
  12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
  13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
  14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
  15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
  16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
  17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
  18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.
  19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
  20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".
  21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
  22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
  23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
  24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
  25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save Your sorry old ass.
 
Irish Coffee

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her
physician to seek his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra? Asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him
an Irish Soluble Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He
won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a
week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later that she called the
doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The
poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and
begorrah! 'Twas horrid. Just terrible doctor!."

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor?"

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in
his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He
jumped his self straight up; with a twinkle in his
eye, and with his pants a-bulgin' fiercely!

With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and
tablecloth flyin', ripped me clothes to tatters and
took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate
love to me on the table-top! It was a nightmare, I
tell you, an absolute feckin' nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you
mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?

"Oh, no, n o, no, doctor, the sex was fine
indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 50 years of
marriage! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll niver
be able to show me face in Starbucks again."
 
Police Comment Transcriptions

The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car
videos around the country...

#15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that¹s the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Is Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#4. "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through CPIC/NCIC."

#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

And ... THE BEST ONE!

#1 "You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't - Sign here."
 
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