Joke of the day
- Thread starter SergntMac
- Start date
SergntMac
Shelby GT X2--Back In Black
Funny pics
Waste a few hours paging through this stuff, you'll love it!
http://picoftheday.gaspumpclassics.com/index.cfm?StartRow=1
Here's one of my favorites...
Waste a few hours paging through this stuff, you'll love it!
http://picoftheday.gaspumpclassics.com/index.cfm?StartRow=1
Here's one of my favorites...
Attachments
jefferson-mo
Your next stop...........
PhastPhil
Senior Member
HERE IS SOME IMPORTANT HEALTH INFORMATION.... ESPECIALLY GOOD THIS TIME
OF THE YEAR!
An interview with Dr. Vinny Goombahtz
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your
heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend
the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a
nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass, a green leafy
vegetable. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we
all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three
categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and
wine are not animal or mineral, so that only leaves one thing, right? My
advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have the weight of two bodies, your ratio is two to one,
etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans .. another vegetable!!! "It's
the best feel-good food around!"
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food , exercise, and diets. Have a cookie...
One more thing... "When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and
salt."
OF THE YEAR!
An interview with Dr. Vinny Goombahtz
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your
heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend
the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a
nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass, a green leafy
vegetable. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we
all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three
categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and
wine are not animal or mineral, so that only leaves one thing, right? My
advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have the weight of two bodies, your ratio is two to one,
etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans .. another vegetable!!! "It's
the best feel-good food around!"
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food , exercise, and diets. Have a cookie...
One more thing... "When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and
salt."
TooManyFords
Action figures sold separately
St. Patricks Day!
One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replies the Irishman. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"
And how long has it been since you've had a sip of whisky?" she asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.
He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "'Tis absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too.
Have a Happy St. Patrick's Day!!
John "Patrick" O'Friel
One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replies the Irishman. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"
And how long has it been since you've had a sip of whisky?" she asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.
He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "'Tis absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too.
Have a Happy St. Patrick's Day!!
John "Patrick" O'Friel
Bigdogjim
Back in the game!
<TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=3 width="97%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD class=message>Two hunters from Alabama are out in the woods when one of them falls to the
ground. He does not appear to be breathing. The other whips out his mobile phone
and calls the emergency services. He gasps out to the operator, "My friend is
dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says, "Calm down. Just take it easy.
First let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the
line. He says, "Okay, now what?"
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
ground. He does not appear to be breathing. The other whips out his mobile phone
and calls the emergency services. He gasps out to the operator, "My friend is
dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says, "Calm down. Just take it easy.
First let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the
line. He says, "Okay, now what?"
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
martyo
MO derator
1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't
move."
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
A few minutes later, "Dad."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad...."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally
asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and
keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in
or stay out!'"
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her
son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in
his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I
have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a
particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a ***** to iron."
6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came
into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said,
"Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five,
that son of a ***** is seven. Three plus six, that son of a ***** is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching
my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a
***** is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two
plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four"
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her
class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the
farmer.
She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is
falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer
said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy ****! A talking
chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's
daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a
smooth one, can I play with him?"
11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the
barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't
move."
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
A few minutes later, "Dad."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad...."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally
asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and
keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in
or stay out!'"
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her
son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in
his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I
have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a
particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a ***** to iron."
6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came
into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said,
"Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five,
that son of a ***** is seven. Three plus six, that son of a ***** is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching
my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a
***** is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two
plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four"
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her
class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the
farmer.
She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is
falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer
said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy ****! A talking
chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's
daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a
smooth one, can I play with him?"
11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the
barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
Paul T. Casey
Senior Member
Thanks Marty, a great way to start my day. I'm still ROFLMAO!! :up:
Donny Carlson
New member
A first grade teacher was teaching her kinds about the five senses, and when it came to taste, she decided to have the kids blindfold themselves to see if they could name the flavor of various hard candies she passed out to them. They didn't have much trouble with cherry, or grape, or orange, but when she passed around the honey flavored candies the kids were a bit stumped. "I'll give you a hint," she said, "it's what your mommy calls your daddy."
"SPIT IT OUT" shreaks one kid. "THEY'RE A$$HOLES!"
"SPIT IT OUT" shreaks one kid. "THEY'RE A$$HOLES!"
dwasson
A rock - me - hard place
Are You a Prostitute or Are You a Consultant?
You work very odd hours.
You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.
You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.
You charge by the hour but your time can be extended.
You are not proud of what you do.
Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
It's difficult to have a family.
You have no job satisfaction.
If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.
You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.
Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.
Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or Jaguars.
Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain of it all.
You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth, but if the client is foolish enough to pay, it's not your problem.
When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).
You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.
Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.
The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.
When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.
You work very odd hours.
You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.
You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.
You charge by the hour but your time can be extended.
You are not proud of what you do.
Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
It's difficult to have a family.
You have no job satisfaction.
If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.
You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.
Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.
Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or Jaguars.
Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain of it all.
You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth, but if the client is foolish enough to pay, it's not your problem.
When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).
You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.
Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.
The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.
When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.
dwasson
A rock - me - hard place
New Products For The Aging Gamer
New Products For The Aging Gamer
Since the average age of the hardcore gamer is 29, companies are creating a new generation of games to accommodate this maturing demographic. The time of wholesale "death and destruction" is becoming less entertaining. Aging gamers now demand games that reflect the thrill and exhilaration of "real life,“ while providing the escapism and graphics of cyberspace. Here are some of the new game ideas currently on the drawing board:
1) Grand Theft Audit: The player is required to accumulate wealth by locating kickbacks, contraband and other sources of undeclared income, and hide them before the Tax Man can audit their Piggy Bank. The game has 17 levels, each with a different Tax Code and Tax Bracket. Those reaching the top level are exempted from the Tax Man, but are set upon by the Charity Hordes and The Paparazzi, seeking to knock the player down a few levels.
2) Staff Reduction of Doom: Up to 16 players compete online with each other over a dwindling numbers of staff positions within a global conglomerate. Each player is required to do anything possible to make him/herself appear less expendable than the rest. The player is allowed a choice of assorted sabotage tools, including Slander and Blackmail. Successful players move up a level. All others are tossed from a 40-story building by a caricature of Donald Trump, into a garbage can surrounded by homeless people.
3) Moving Violation: Patterned after many of the most popular driving games, this next generation game requires players to navigate a maze of traffic jams, elderly drivers, car-jacking thugs and small town policemen with ticket quotas. The goal is to make as many trips back and forth between home and work, without losing one's insurance coverage.
4) Sims Child Support: An interactive game, a player must meet, marry and divorce a SIM before child support payments crush their financial stability. Players can play in one of two modes: Fertile Fergie or Philandering Pete. In the Fertile Fergie mode, the player must reproduce as quickly as possible, gaining points and Child Support for each child born. In the Philandering Pete mode, the player must divorce his SIM before she gives birth to more children than he can support. There are no levels in this game, and the player that dies with the most money wins.
5) Consumer Castle of Credit: Players are required to maintain their opulent lifestyle, while keeping their credit manageable. Players borrow and pay off Debt, looking for the perfect balance that allows them to climb the Social Ladder without being knocked off by falling sandbags of Minimum Payments. But watch out for increasing interest rates that can send you back to Level One! This game boasts 256 levels of increasing difficulty.
New Products For The Aging Gamer
Since the average age of the hardcore gamer is 29, companies are creating a new generation of games to accommodate this maturing demographic. The time of wholesale "death and destruction" is becoming less entertaining. Aging gamers now demand games that reflect the thrill and exhilaration of "real life,“ while providing the escapism and graphics of cyberspace. Here are some of the new game ideas currently on the drawing board:
1) Grand Theft Audit: The player is required to accumulate wealth by locating kickbacks, contraband and other sources of undeclared income, and hide them before the Tax Man can audit their Piggy Bank. The game has 17 levels, each with a different Tax Code and Tax Bracket. Those reaching the top level are exempted from the Tax Man, but are set upon by the Charity Hordes and The Paparazzi, seeking to knock the player down a few levels.
2) Staff Reduction of Doom: Up to 16 players compete online with each other over a dwindling numbers of staff positions within a global conglomerate. Each player is required to do anything possible to make him/herself appear less expendable than the rest. The player is allowed a choice of assorted sabotage tools, including Slander and Blackmail. Successful players move up a level. All others are tossed from a 40-story building by a caricature of Donald Trump, into a garbage can surrounded by homeless people.
3) Moving Violation: Patterned after many of the most popular driving games, this next generation game requires players to navigate a maze of traffic jams, elderly drivers, car-jacking thugs and small town policemen with ticket quotas. The goal is to make as many trips back and forth between home and work, without losing one's insurance coverage.
4) Sims Child Support: An interactive game, a player must meet, marry and divorce a SIM before child support payments crush their financial stability. Players can play in one of two modes: Fertile Fergie or Philandering Pete. In the Fertile Fergie mode, the player must reproduce as quickly as possible, gaining points and Child Support for each child born. In the Philandering Pete mode, the player must divorce his SIM before she gives birth to more children than he can support. There are no levels in this game, and the player that dies with the most money wins.
5) Consumer Castle of Credit: Players are required to maintain their opulent lifestyle, while keeping their credit manageable. Players borrow and pay off Debt, looking for the perfect balance that allows them to climb the Social Ladder without being knocked off by falling sandbags of Minimum Payments. But watch out for increasing interest rates that can send you back to Level One! This game boasts 256 levels of increasing difficulty.
SergntMac
Shelby GT X2--Back In Black
Seven reasons not to mess with kids...
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
duhtroll
If it weren't for my horse...
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. Yes, yes, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. Good" said the first bat, "because I ****** didn't"
Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. Yes, yes, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. Good" said the first bat, "because I ****** didn't"
duhtroll
If it weren't for my horse...
An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"It's a ****y willow."
"Wait up...I'll get my hat."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"It's a ****y willow."
"Wait up...I'll get my hat."