Joke of the day

Little Johnny & Little Freddy were sitting eating their lunch one day in the playground when Little johnny piped up & said -

"Grandfather got burnt the other day"
Really! said Little Freddy, how bad was he burnt?????
To which Little Johnny said "They dont f*ck round in a crematorium:fire: :fire:
 
Things Bartender Have to do

A drunk gets up from the bar & heads to the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes later, another loud scream reverbarates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why this guy is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. Your scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sittin here on the toilet," he slurs, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the Hell out my testicles!"

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! your sitting on the mop bucket!!
 
The Professor

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them basic reading, writing and arithmetic. One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The members of the tribe are shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "Chief, you're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence... what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about the sheep and I won't say anything more about the baby.
 
dwasson said:
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about the sheep and I won't say anything more about the baby.
Click to expand...
Oh, my! :lol: Don't let Haggis see this!!
16_3_158.gif
 
Haggis said:
Sorry Tod. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Marty remember what they say "Payback is a B**ch".
Click to expand...

You know what they say about things around Todd's trailer park "Men are men, and sheep get nervous!"
 
martyo said:
You know what they say about things around Todd's trailer park "Men are men, and sheep get nervous!"
Click to expand...


Better nervous then family. Then again I have been called the Black Sheep of the family. :baaa:
 
I traveling sales man is walking down a back county road when he sees a man behind a barn having sex with a sheep. Out raged at this, he storms up to the front porch and there sitting in the shade is a small boy.

"Son, do you know there is a man behind your barn abusing a sheep?"

"Yeaaaaah, Thaaaats maaa Daaaad."
 
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them.
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his
house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her... He's naked as well! That b*tch!" He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his d**k off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."
 
Wait I think I get it. Is the neighbor "taking care"
the wife? So the guy doesn't have to shoot?

That's bad!:nono:
 
Picture On The Nightstand

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ears.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."
 
three blondes

Three blondes apply for a State Police position.

Interviewer decides to test their powers of observation, so he shows all three of the women a picture of a convicted felon.

After 45 seconds, he places the picture down and asks the first blonde if there were any outstanding features.

"Certainly", she says. "He only had one eye."

Interviewer says "it was a profile shot; you're disqualified".

Same question to the second blonde.

"Well", she says. "He only had one ear".

"Disqualified" says the interviewer.

Same question to the third blonde.

"Well" she says, "he wore contacts".

Interviewer looks at the picture and asks how she knew that.

"Well, duh" says the blonde. "How could he wear glasses with only one eye and one ear?"
 
An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.

He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
 
A 92 year old man went to the doctor. "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
 
SOME PEOPLE NEVER RETIRE
One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a Nursing Home. On the front lawn were 6 old ladies laying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same Nursing Home with the same 6 old ladies laying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager. "Do you know there are 6 ladies laying naked on your front lawn?" "Yes," he said. "They are retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale!"
 
Things I say...

Things I say to myself, while remaining politically correct in my office.

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it
my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm just the boss.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're
saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique
point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine, is purely
coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely
ceremonial.

23. And your cry baby whiney-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circus.

35. Nice perfume...Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder...my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40. Oh, I get it....like humor... but different.
 
vocabulary

Teacher tells her grammar school class that each child is supposed to say something using grown-up words.

Little Mary stands and says, "last weekend, we visited my nana".

"No", syas the teacher. "You visited your grandmother".

Little Suzie stands and says, "we went for a ride on a choo-choo".

"No", says the teacher. "You went for a ride on a train."

Little Johnny stands up and says, "Last week, I read a new book".

"Wonderful", says the teacher. "What was the name of the book?"

Little Johnny thinks, and then blurts out "Winnie the Sh*t".
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top