Joke of the day

A guy wakes up one morning to find that his alarm clock didn't go off and he is running late. He wakes his wife and says, " Honey, I overslept, could you iron my shirt while I shower? I'm going to be late for work."
To which she replies, " I went to a NOW meeting with my friend yesterday and they really taught me alot. It's your shirt, you iron it."
The guy curses under his breath and takes his shower. While he's ironing his shirt, he asks his wife if she'll make his lunch so he won't be late.
She says " It's your lunch, you make it".
The guy bites his tongue, and while he's making his lunch, notices that his keys are not hanging on the hook by the door. "Honey, have you seen my keys? I really need to be on time."
She replies,"Theyr'e your keys, you find them".
At this point the poor guy has had about all he can take and says, " It looks like you are not going to see me for a few days".
The wife says " You just go ahead and do whatever you think you need to do".
Sure enough, one day passes and she doesn't see him. Two days pass and she still doesn't see him. On the third day, she just can see him out of her left eye.


No offense intended to any of the fairer sex. My wife thought it was hilarious.
 
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so
sorry, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes , turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind
legs,put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top tobottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments
later with a beautiful cat.


The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the
bird.
Thecat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled outof the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced abill which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"$150!", she cried,
"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
wouldhave been $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ....."
 
Weather Sucks!!! Cabin Fever, tired of staring at your Marauder thru the Window ??? Play SWAT !!! :D


http://www.shockhaber.com/zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.htm
 
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A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He said, "Jack, you are
spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really
know your way around the course. What is your secret?"

To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"
 
This guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve-hour day and collapses in bed.

He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says, "What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, horny woman lying next to you?"

He replied. "Don't worry honey I'd stay faithful!"
 
Q: When is Michael Jackson's bed time?



A: When the big hand is on the little hand.:nono:
 
A lot of people have asked where the saying "You gotta be ****tin me"
came from.

Way back, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his
troops. They were packed into the boats. It was extremely dark and
storming furiously. The water was tossing them back and forth.
Finally Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of
the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could
see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters stood up braving the wind and driving rain, swinging
the lantern back and forth. A while later a big gust of wind hit and threw
Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his
troops searched for hours trying to find Corporal Peters but to no
avail. All of them felt terrible for the Corporal had been one their
favorites.

An hour later Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet
and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them they must
go on.

An hour later Washington and his men could go no further. One of
his men said,"General, I see lights ahead." They trudged towards the
lights and came upon a huge house there in the woods. What they didn't
know was this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve
all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open and the madam looked out to see Washington and all his
men standing there. A huge smile came across her face to see so many
men standing there.

Washington spoke up, "Mam, I'm General George Washington and these are
my men. We're tired and exhausted and desperately need warmth and
comfort for a while. Again the Madam looked at all the men standing
there and with a broad smile on her face said, "Well General, you have
come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort.

How many men do you have?"
Washington said "Well mam, there are thirty two of us without Peters."

Madam said, "You gotta be ****tin me!
 
Man walks into a drug store with his 10-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display, picks up a package of 3 condoms and asks, "Why are there three in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys: one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers. "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaims the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replies, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"
 
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